I've been working hard on "Letting Go".

I found a site that reminded me that letting go does not mean I've failed, nor does it mean I haven't done my best. That's exceptional in my case as I feel like no matter what I have accomplished, I haven't accomplished anything.

My success lists are important to me. I have also been working hard on a daily habit journal. The journal gives me daily reminders of what to do to have a productive day. Even the little things that I've already created as habit: make bed in the morning, brush teeth, take medication, feed cats, check cat's water, check cat litter box. At work my daily routines are as small as: turn on computer, turn on copy machine, check paper in printer and copy machine, check email, reply immediately to email, write down items that need attention.

These appear minute, but for someone who loves to procrastinate, it's important. I need to make sure that my daily routines are completed, and I feel accomplished.

I add items throughout the week, I'll go through a stack of papers at work and determine quickly if it needs filing or recycled. I'm slowly trying that home.

I'm working on my values, principles and belief systems. I'll write more about these later as I learn what each are!

All this work is to change the only thing I can - me. If I can't change people, places or things, then I need to change my feelings and reactions toward those situations.

So, back to work and go through this stack of paper!

I've had a book now for over 3-years. It's packed in a box, in my garage somewhere. It's titled "Change Your Mind and Keep the Change."

A friend tells me: "My feelings frequent my being. They steer my behavior. They reflect my attitude. However, feelings aren't facts, they're there to motivate me to make a change, a decision, or a choice, and then take spiritual action. If I'm on the right track they will hint at my closeness to that higher source, and in my actions will show my willingness to conform away from selfish-self-seeking feelings and motives."

Huh, I think I'm understanding.

Not even a full 48-hours later.

I went to a meeting on Tuesday at 6:30 and wrote everything I could about what happened in the relationship. I spoke with several people and feel no anger, nor resentment over what happened. I had a great Wednesday day with support from all my friends, and felt comfortable that splitting up was the right for both of us.

I went to a 6:30 meeting last night and had coffee with a girlfriend who was going through issues with her husband. I know about being in a marriage when the two parenting styles are so different. We had a great conversation not so much about dogging the other party, but issues that perhaps needed an outside eye.

We got back to the fellowship about 10pm, the 8:30 meeting was ending. Then she says "Sam's here. Do you want to sit in the car?" I replied no, because, after all, we did split amicably. I greeted others that were outside and gave Sam a half hug asking how he is. He said he felt like we still needed to talk, and asked if I thought the same. We walked off to the parking lot, away from the others. As we walked I admitted that I felt everything was said. I have accepted what we had said. What more could we discuss?

He admitted a lot, and much had to do with his insecurities and fears about the past and future. We spoke about a lot, and for the first I told him all those feelings I've had and all those thoughts I blogged about yesterday. I didn't hold anything back. I told him we needed to discuss what a quality relationship was and setting up boundaries for each other. I told him that if I felt criticized I was going to tell him, I wasn't going to hold it because I wanted to make peace. I told him that I was going to be me and that he needed to accept that we are different people trying to help each other grow.

We spoke for over an hour. He admitted a lot and realized that he was causing drama that didn't need to be there because of his fears. He admitted that if I said something, or did something, it would remind him of an action or behavior that his ex did to him that eventually caused a break-up. I told him that by nature I am a sarcastic person, but I don't go out to intentionally hurt him.

We agreed to work on this relationship again. I told him he had to accept all of me: my past and my present. Help me grow, but don't change me.

So we'll see.